Cert: 12 A Runtime: 123 mins Director: Adam Shankman Starring: Diego Boneta, Julianne Hough, Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bryan Cranston and Alec Baldwin
This place is about to become a sea of sweat, ear-shattering music and puke
Well when I saw this trailer, I thought to myself what the hell? Tom Cruise as a rock star and some young teens trying to look all rock n roll. With some of the best rock songs of the era featuring in Rock of Ages I had to see with my own eyes. It’s 1987, and in the world of rock the hair is big and the choruses are even bigger! The epicentre of this rock universe is the Bourbon Room on LA’s Sunset Strip. And its biggest star is charismatic Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise). Into this heady world of dreams, ambitions and power chords come two young lovers – small town girl Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) and city boy Drew Boley (Diego Bonita). But the Bourbon Room’s very future is threatened by mayor’s wife Patricia Whitmore (Catherine Zeta-Jones), who disapproves of all the depravity and wants to close it down.No need to spend much time discussing plot. There is a muddled love story filled with teenager dreams and miscommunication, and a financial crisis at The Bourbon, thanks to back taxes owed by manager Dennis Dupree (Alec Baldwin), and a political backlash against the club thanks to the Mayor’s wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones), who has a not so secret need for revenge. The only way to save the club is for rock idol Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) to play a gig. The only way to save the love story is to write it out of the film all together. The political agenda is simply an excuse to add two more excruciating karaoke numbers.
What little fun there is in the movie is thanks to Cruise, Baldwin and Russell Brand, who plays Baldin’s sidekick and confidant. Cruise jumps into the Jaxx role with both feet and seems to understand that a parody should be fun. Being a rock idol isn’t far removed from being the biggest movie star on the planet, so Cruise blends Axl Rose and Bret Michaels to create Jaxx … throw in a pet baboon, two He-men bodyguards, an endless train of groupies, and a dragon codpiece … and you get Stacee Jaxx, legendary rock star.If one is going to make a rock ‘n roll movie, it either needs to be played straight (Almost Famous) or as a head-on parody (This is Spinal Tap). What it can’t do is celebrate the dead zone of lameness: lame music covered by lame singers playing lame characters. No amount of star power actors can overcome material that doesn’t capture the power and passion of the music. And we aren’t even talking real rock n roll here … this is glam rock, stadium rock, big hair bands. Yet, the movie still falls incredibly short of making a statement or providing insight or even entertainment.Cruise’s performance generates some laughs, as do Baldwin and Brand. However, Hough and Boneta aren’t even cringe-worthy. They have no screen presence and neither belong in a rock movie. Maybe the real problem is that most of the songs in the movie have survived these 25 years because of their mediocrity … they can easily be sung while intoxicated. Evidently that’s not enough for a decent movie.